The B***h is back...............sort of...............

Well, it's been quite a while since I have visited my blog and written anything. I just haven't been able to find those creative juices.

And I still don't know that I can find them. However, it's 9:28 p.m. on Sunday night and I'm sitting here with nothing to do. I did all the laundry today and cleaned the house. Danny went to bed at 8:45, after he had slept most of the day. I'm bummed and need to talk to someone. So, I guess I will talk to myself.

Now believe me, you may not want to continue reading this with the mood that I am in.......so this is like one of those parental warnings................or spoiler warnings.................or just a warning! Pick your poison.

I'm on my soapbox. I'm all dressed up with my "poor pitiful pearls" on and no where to go................but here.

Now, you have had fair warning, so if you go forward in reading this you do so at your own risk. And before I get a dozen e-mails and half a dozen phone calls that I'm depressed or need to take medicine, let me get one thing straight. I am not depressed in the least and I have a very low tolerance to "those" kinds of medicines and can't take them. Been there, done that. With all of it! It makes me a zombie and I don't like it. So please, spare yourself my grief! LOL!

What I am is ANGRY! I'm angry because I can't do the things that I used to be able to do. I'm angry because I have to wait on others to do stuff (and it never gets done). And I'm angry about being angry!

It is hard for me to express myself sometimes because I try to refrain from saying......."I am so tired of...................", because the alternative to that is not what I want either. But it really does get tiring to be in pain all the time. And it is tiring to be frustrated with myself for my limitations. And it is frustrating when others just don't understand or get it.

I have Fibromyalga and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Both brought on by my chemotherapy and radiation treatments. I have herniated discs in my back from the positioning of when I got radiation; and my psoriasis is coming back. My hands and feet hurt all the time from the Neuropathy that was also brought on by chemotherapy. But what is really weird, is that while they always hurt, it is so hard to actually "feel" the limbs. There is numbness at the pain site. Now how weird is that? And how can you really explain it?

Now once upon a time...................there was nothing (in my mind) that I couldn't do. I could clean house, mow the lawn, weedeat, use the blower, wash the car and do the laundry - ALL IN ONE DAY! I could work from dawn til dusk and get up in the morning and do it all over again. The heat and humidity never bothered me. I could get out there and work with the rest of them! Now, each and every day I wish my life away by praying for the cooler weather to get here. I have so much I need to take care of, but can't because it is too hot for me to be outside very long. And that "so much to do" is nothing strenuous or anything like that.......because I can't do that anymore anyway. But these little things I want to get done!

I do my best to maintain the household. But it's not the best I used to do. And that makes me mad too. I push myself, and push myself to do and be all that I can be. I push myself through the pain and tiredness on a constant basis. I sometimes feel like the ever-ready bunny. Actually more like a Timex....................takes a licking and it keeps on ticking.

Now don't get me wrong....................there are people in this world that have it so much worse than me. And I know that. But it's my party, and I'll cry if I want to!

It's just that it is frustrating when people just do not understand what I deal with (health-wise) on a daily basis. (And believe me.............I wish this on NO ONE!) But aren't I allowed to have a bad day? Shouldn't I be allowed to express my frustrations occasionally? Well it seems not.

I'm considered bitchy and over-emotional. I "become the issue" if I even open my mouth. If I'm diplomatic, then I'm considered "walking on eggshells". If I'm quiet, I'm considered snobby and unapproachable. If I'm open-minded, I'm considered "off the chart". If I'm hesitant, I'm considered fickle. And when I'm asked what's wrong - I'm cut off because they didn't really want to listen to me anyway. So what's a girl to do?

Someone on Facebook wrote......"Anger is just one letter away from DANGER". And I really believe that is true. Anger makes you feel really bad. And I don't like it. I want to be happy. I want to be joyous! I told someone recently, never let anyone or anything steal your joy! Well, I am going to take my own advice.

I am who I am. It is my "new normal". I am a good person. I am a loving and respectful person. I have a good heart (literally and figuratively - I think). I can only do what I can do, and I am no longer going to let the joy be sucked from my body. I am going to start eating better, and start focusing more on myself. I have put so much energy into worrying about what everyone thinks about me way too long. I am woman hear me roar!

When I'm in pain, I am going to rest. When I want to go somewhere, I am going to go. When I want something done, while it may take me longer than it used to, I am just going to do it. When I don't want to watch the 30th football game of the day, I am going to go watch what I want in the other room! And most important of all, I am going to accept my limitations and work around them. And I am going to quit punishing myself for those limitations.

I truly do know how blessed I am. Three years ago, I didn't think I would see 50 years old. Of course, I still don't know that I will see 50, since it is a few months away, but my point is, I just didn't think I would be here this long. I didn't think I would see my daughter get married or have a child of her own. I didn't think I would see me being involved in the same relationship for the same amount of years that I was divorced. Danny and I have been together for 14 years (married for 13), and I was divorced for 14 years before I remarried. There were so many things that I didn't think I would EVER experience again.......and yet I have. God has kept me around this long, and I'll be hogwashed if I'm going to continue to remain in this poor frame of mind.

And instead of also getting mad at other people in this world because they moan, groan and whine about their lives so much, I am going to pray for them. I am going to pray that everyone is able to find their own joy and quit taking life for granted. I've often wondered what would happen to the world if all of us were all happy and joyous ALL AT THE SAME TIME. What a world that would be!

So I say to all of you who stayed with me to the end of this blog.....................I am truly sorry. But it felt good to get stuff off my chest. I actually had so much more to say, and sort of skipped around up there while writing, but I started feeling better about halfway through and had already made up my mind about what I was going to do to change what I can change. And to accept what I can't.

So hopefully, now the creative juices will again flow and I can start keeping up with my blog with more happier tidbits of life! We are getting ready to build a deck onto the front of the house, and I am sure I will be able to find quite a bit of humor in that!!!!!! Not to mention this year's football season, upcoming holiday season and my adventures into getting things done during the cooler weather!

Life was meant to be good! I'm going out and enjoy it! Will you join me?

P.S. NOTE: THERE IS A NEW CHOCOLATE RECIPE POSTED HERE TOO!